Journal Entry

Name
Instructor’s Name
Course
Date
Review
The arrangement of ideas in the introduction paragraph is not coherent. The start of an introduction should discuss a broad perception of the topic. The writer has dived into justifying his or her view instead of providing background information on the matter. I would alter the paragraph to provide well-researched information on the internet and communication. The thesis should be the last sentence in the introduction paragraph. Unfortunately, in this draft essay, it is difficult to figure out the thesis. Lastly, the article does not precisely depict the audience or the intended recipient of the message.
The essay lacks a clear thesis. The thesis should condense the argument and the analysis that is to follow. A thesis should be precise and raise a subject upon which the writer intends to argue for and counter-arguments to sway the audience towards her or his views. I would change the thesis to assert my position and use specific language and terms. An example would be “Though technology has advanced communication means, letters provide a personal touch that emails do not.” Paragraphs lack a professional format of the topic sentence, three supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence.
The writer has failed to provide strong points to justify his or her stand on using letters over emails. To persuade the audience, Arguments should have verifiable facts (Roberts 5). The second paragraph has a clear topic sentence with supporting sentences and a conclusion tying the argument to the main idea.

However, the last paragraph topic sentence states a counter-argument. I would leave the counter-argument to the end of the essay.
The essay is poorly organized especially the first paragraph. It lacks a clear demarcation of the background information and the thesis. There is a lot of incoherence in the flow of ideas such that it fails to capture the interest of the reader. I would ensure the thesis is the last sentence of the introduction paragraph. Consecutive paragraphs should follow the topic sentence, three supporting sentences, and a conclusion sentence structure.
Work Cited
Roberts, Jamie Q. Essentials of Essay Writing: What Markers Look For. Macmillan InternationalHigher Education, 2017.